Lesson No. 999

I had a "moment" - a "personal to me moment" while driving into work this morning while thinking about my Andrew. It hit like one of Oprah's "aha moments" - not that I was getting something for the first time that my eyes had not seen before, (one of the reasons why we get goosebumps) but this was let's say.... inspiration. I was thinking of all the people that I need to call and update about my son's recent relapse and I began to feel heavy just thinking about it... kind of an achy feeling you get when you start feeling overwhelmed. I didn't want to keep updating everyone via email - it just seemed kind of cold and empty - a bit impersonal for how close this little soul Andrew is to my heart. With my thoughts jumping around I remembered I had attempted to construct a blog a few months ago, but it lost it's luster because I didn't stay up on it to make it interesting. "Now" I have a BIG reason to write - it's another way for me to tell you all that have loved and supported our trials with Andrew in a much more personal way. They are my thoughts, feelings, sources of comfort and coping mechanisms that come from the trenches of drug addiction. So I'm starting this with my dearest family and friends - you will hear it straight up and right out of my heart. This I am calling Lesson No. 999

Today is January 18th, 2008. I'm thinking how different it is for each of us to learn life's "hard lessons". The ones that we think we can get away with a few times, but just as we escape it, it turns around and sneaks up on us and snaps us on the behind. More commonly known as getting caught, right? Then time passes, we kind of forget how hot that burner was when we touched it, and bam we do it again. Only this time it really burned. Some of us go through that little routine a few times and decide, nah, it's not worth it... movin' on. I'm getting bored with it anyway. For others... let's just say it's a bit of self destructive behavior from low self worth most likely, or... why does the behavior continue? That's what I'm talking about and that's what hurts the most. Where did my baby lose his way? He was a perfect child, ok a bit hot headed at times but so was I. As a Mom, I have analyzed and turned this over in my thoughts throughout each and every day, and probaby through the nights in my dreams and nightmares. And I've heard it all of course.... he has his free agency, it's his not mine to choose... of course! But, then there's that space between the freedom of that choice, and the "why" of it. How many times will it take to learn this lesson my Dear Andrew? When does the "will or desire to end the monster of drug addiction" become stronger than that horrid drug? How much punishment and heartbreak do you have to go through to learn this hard lesson? I look at you from the other side of the window in medium security and I see you in your dark blue jail clothes... with all the pain of the last 6 years welling up in your tears. This is the 3rd time in the last 6 months. Is the drug more powerful than all the love of your 3 brothers, Landon, Trev, Jaron, your caring sister Brittany, your beautiful neice Liv, me... Mom, Al who really loves you, your Dad, Grams and Gramps, Tanta Julie, Uncle Chuck and numerous individuals who pray for and on behalf of you every day? So it goes back to you son, your self worth - I want you to get this so badly. We have nothing to do with it other than to simply love you. This thing... self worth is the part that needs to get fixed. You have been sanctioned by the court for 160 days with the hope that you can get into a residential rehab program. But, this time you don't get to come home for awhile.