Happy Birthday to a "one in a million" brother-in-law!I love this man my sister married... wish I could clone him!!!
I die.
15 years ago
Monday, April 28, 2008
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Girl's Weekend Coming
Yay! It's here! Lisa & Ashlee (flying in from Cali), Julia & Annie, Brittany & Livia, Stefanie, Cindy & Maggie Mama are all going to be hangin' out at "The Gathering Place" in Ivins this weekend! We've waited months for this! IT'S HERE GIRLS!!! The agenda you ask? 1. Sunbathing in beautiful surroundings 2. Eating lots of good food, laughing, talking, reading, movie watching, shopping and just whatever it is that your little hearts desire! Oh did I miss the massages over at Red Mountain?
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
A Great Quote A Good Friend Shared With Me Today
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold timid souls who know neither victory not defeat."
Theodore Roosevelt
Friday, April 11, 2008
Do This! Little Red Riding Hood Cycling Event
Little Red Riding Hood — June 7, 2008 Women Only Cycling Event! No Cowboys are allowed to ride but they are more than welcome to volunteer!
Registration Now Open!
The Bonneville Cycling Club invites you to participate in its fully supported, non-competitive, Women only century.
Spend the day riding through beautiful Cache Valley in Northern Utah. This year we will also have the popular 36, 46, 64 an 80 mile route options for those riders that feel they can't quite ride the full 104 miles. This ride is one of only two women only metrics in the U.S. The route is a loop through the Valley on rural & country (paved) roads. The terrain is mostly flat, with some rolling hills (that means there are NO big climbs).
Last year the Little Red Riding Hood raised over $17,000 which was donated to the Huntsman Cancer Institute and earmarked for breast cancer research. Honoring that tradition, this year's Little Red will again be raising money for some of the most serious issues facing women today.
Once again, this year, to continue LRRH's reputation of having the best road support, the great team of Bingham Cyclery, and Contender Bicycles will be on hand to give their road support and make minor bike adjustments before the ride. Utah ARES (Amateur Radio Emergency Services) of Box Elder, Cache, and Salt Lake counties will assist with on road communications as well as SAG. This combined cyclist support effort makes this event one that you must not miss.
Don't miss out on this amazing event!
Spend the day riding through beautiful Cache Valley in Northern Utah. This year we will also have the popular 36, 46, 64 an 80 mile route options for those riders that feel they can't quite ride the full 104 miles. This ride is one of only two women only metrics in the U.S. The route is a loop through the Valley on rural & country (paved) roads. The terrain is mostly flat, with some rolling hills (that means there are NO big climbs).
Last year the Little Red Riding Hood raised over $17,000 which was donated to the Huntsman Cancer Institute and earmarked for breast cancer research. Honoring that tradition, this year's Little Red will again be raising money for some of the most serious issues facing women today.
Once again, this year, to continue LRRH's reputation of having the best road support, the great team of Bingham Cyclery, and Contender Bicycles will be on hand to give their road support and make minor bike adjustments before the ride. Utah ARES (Amateur Radio Emergency Services) of Box Elder, Cache, and Salt Lake counties will assist with on road communications as well as SAG. This combined cyclist support effort makes this event one that you must not miss.
Don't miss out on this amazing event!
Thursday, April 10, 2008
My Impact Letter to Andrew
Andrew asked me to write to him an impact letter that he will be reading in his CATS program. He told me not to hold anything back. Wow. This was the hardest letter of my life to write but I thought I would share it with all the people that I love and that have loved us back.
April 8, 2008
My Dearest Andrew,
I’m sitting here at my computer at work looking blankly at this page, trying my hardest to be strong so that I can write this letter to you. I am also unsure of where I should start. I guess I go way back to the beginning. I “think” I know where that place and time is.
In the heart of a Mother, I think your pain started when Dad and I announced our divorce to you 4 beautiful, sweet, innocent little kids. I remember the day as though it was today. I remember us sitting upstairs in our master bedroom at Danish Hills Circle, but even more vividly than that, I will never forget looking into the devastated faces of each one of my precious angels. I felt like “I” was stabbing each of my very “own” with a knife right into your little hearts. It was the most horrifically sick feeling. I will never in this life forget that day and that moment.
There was a definite distinction between each of you and your broken hearts and how you took it. I remember Brittany sat just staring in disbelief, then broke into sadness and tears, she was 16. Landon broke down hard crying with his head down on the floor and sobbed and hit the floor over and over, he was 13. My Andrew went over to the wall and hit it repeatedly screaming no, no, no!!! You were 9. Trevor screamed and cried hard because he was so young, he didn’t understand, but he saw all of his brothers and his sister crying, so all he knew is that something really bad had happened to our family, he was just 6. All very tender ages. I felt like the worst Mother on the planet. My babies were my life, and I felt like I had just killed them. It still haunts me to this very day. I tell you this in this letter because I feel that maybe this is where your pain began.
After we sold our home that you kids grew up in, we moved to the Carriage Chase home and I married Ken. What a screw up that marriage was. It was a great house, and we had some fun times, but Ken had ulterior motives, and I think we all felt a bad vibe and undertone in our lives that year. It was during that year, that I recall my boy started to show signs of alcohol and drug abuse. Your grades fell to D’s and F’s, your friends didn’t show much respect to us or our home, you were getting into a lot of fights and had started to have problems with the law… and I felt like I was losing my boy. You were close friends to the Mattson boys, Logan and Levi, and I remember being extremely concerned because Levi was much older than you and he and his friends were coming late at night and taking you “somewhere” and I didn’t know where. You would come home late on a school night and it was obvious we had a drug problem going on at that time. I think you were about 14. I wish now, looking back that I had the resources and the support system around me to get you into a rehab while you were under 18 and your Dad and I still had parental rights over you.
Ken and I finally split in the Spring after a hellish year. I think that was the summer that I got the call that Levi had killed himself in his home in front of his Mom. That was the worst call that we have ever had. I couldn’t believe it… that my son had lost his best friend to suicide. Everything in that moment stopped and everything that could happen to my boy flashed through my mind. You took it extremely hard. You made a memorial for him at his graveside and spent a lot of time there with friends – I think it was healthy for you to mourn him this way. It killed me to watch you hurt so much and I didn’t know how to help you. You needed time and healing. We started counseling – I don’t know if it really helped you or not. We couldn’t get you to talk about it with us much. The counselor wouldn’t even answer our calls to him – privacy laws I guess. We just didn’t know what was going on and felt like we were really in the dark. Things started to get pretty bad after Levi’s death. I remember one weekend when Al and I was visiting Grandma and Grandpa in St. George – I got the call. You had broke into our home with a bunch of friends and partied in the basement and completely trashed it after we had just remodeled it. The cops were called because you were threatening suicide and said you had the gun to do it. Your friends were scared. You were taken by ambulance to UNI – the neuropsychological unit at the University Hospital. You spent about a week there. We hoped and prayed that this would be a big wake up call and be the chance that you would start to open up to us and talk about what was going on in your life. What I found out later, was that you hated us, especially me, despised me for admitting you into UNI. I only thought this would be a good thing – a way to stop you from the self-sabotaging behavior we were watching you go through. While in UNI the counselors determined that I couldn’t manage you and Trevor both by myself as a single mother, working full time and that Dad needed to step in and help more. So you went to live with him after you were released. You relapsed fairly quickly if I remember right – and blamed me for a lot of your problems. I think that drove a wedge between us for awhile. We were both angry and hurt and I felt like you had abused our home and family environment and didn’t really care. I felt so violated and disrespected. I even had worries for my safety at times because of your hostility towards me, and whatever drugs you were using that were altering your state of mind at that time.
Your anger and unresolved issues with the pain you were carrying around escalated into deeper, more dangerous drug abuse. You moved in with your lady friend, Kim for awhile. I think she was about my age, 46. We soon found out you were doing meth in her home with her and other underage kids. She was providing the meth and food for you, in return for baby sitting services for her little girl. This scared us horribly. We should have turned her in, but I remember thinking at the time, she knew enough “bad” people, she probably would have had us “fixed” in some way. Once again, we felt “caught” and didn’t know what move to make. I remember you coming to our home one day with Kim and her little girl so that we could meet her. You also told us that you were looking at a home in our neighborhood and that Kim was thinking about buying it. HOLY $#@*, I thought! That day, you looked so bad sweetie, you were skin and bones with a dark face, dark hollow eyes, sores on your face, and you acted distant to us. Where was my little boy? Where did he go? I felt like part of you had died. You were so mixed up in something that I couldn’t even totally explain to anyone. Then one day Dad got the call to come and get you from her house because you were scared and she was having you place security cameras all over her house for her. Her ex was trying to turn her in and gain custody of their little girl, so she was having everyone watched that came to her house. You were caught up in a messy situation that could have really hurt you. This was agonizing for us to feel so out of control and watch you be in this. I attempted to turn her in but changed my mind after I talked to the police about her because of what might happen to not only you, but the rest of our family.
Over time, we tried to help you with what resources we had. We put you in UNI with the help of Grandpa one more time to detox from heroin use. You didn’t want to go to any outpatient programs once you were released because you felt that you could manage your cravings if you could just be on methadone and Xanax for a short period of time. So we found 2 doctors’ that were willing to give you both, but only a one time deal. You abused both of them from the beginning. I remember coming to Dad’s apartment over my lunch hours to see you and you were a wreck – you needed more. I felt like we were all tangled up in this vicious cycle together. It was a nightmare. You were so overly drugged on Xanax at times, you couldn’t even walk or stand straight. We were now the enablers of another drug problem. We stopped finding ways to help buy you more. You were still seeing Cara and she was a horrible girlfriend to you. She verbally berated you daily and it killed your Dad and I to watch this going on. She is not good for you, nor will she ever be. I know you wanted to please her, to get her approval, so you did a lot of things for her. You started to steal, I mean steal everything you could get your hands on. Most of our DVD collection, my checks that were forged by you and Cara for hundreds of dollars plus all the bank charges it cost me, Landon’s checks that you forged during Christmas time and took every dime he had worked hard for and saved up while working to go to college – something around $1,000. You stole Dad’s painting equipment, his DVD collection, money, checks – everything he had. You stole Al’s vintage gun that his Father gave him before he passed away, you stole my makeup and returned it to stores to get money back you were so desperate, you stole a lot of Trevor’s clothing, his iPod, Gameboy, money out of his wallet and room – all gifts from us. You stole from Grandpa while he was trying to help you pay off court fines. He drove all the way up from Fairview to help you that day and take you to the right courthouse so you could pay your fine off – he thought you were doing better, but you set him up and never paid the fine. My marriage to Al was fairly new, so you can imagine how this spun us. I was trying to help you, to reach out to you, but Al was angry at me for every attempt that I made. Al, also, wasn’t good for me or any of our family members. Brittany & Jaron took you to Dad’s one night after you walked miles and miles to their house, on foot, carrying all your personal belongings after you had been asked to move out of our homes. It was devastating for them to see you this way. They wanted to help you and were willing to help pay for a rehab program for you had you been willing to say “yes, I need help. I’m ready”. But you weren’t ready. It had been several days since we had seen you. I think those were the darkest days of my entire life, worrying about you on the streets. Every time my phone rang my heart fell in fear of what news I may be hearing at that very moment.
So you stayed at Dad’s again – he was willing to take you in, willing to take more risk after all that had been taken from him, and all the stress he was undergoing. I don’t know how he managed it. He soon had to contact the police again to start reporting things that were coming up missing. He even went to some of the pawn shops to buy his paint equipment back, or he would be out of work. Dad even drove you to one of the drug dealers’ homes to pay him off (not knowing this was a set up for him to give you more money) or the drug dealer was going to come back and kill you and possibly your family. This time they knew where you lived. Another drug dealer put a gun to your head upon arriving to his house to pay him his drug money that you “borrowed” from Dad, he withdrew it and emptied the bullet from it and gave it to you to remind you not to $#@& with him ever again, or? Do you know that I still have that bullet? You asked me to keep it for you as a reminder of this time in your life.
I knew the only safe place for you was in jail. I prayed for it. Dad finally blew the whistle on you and called the police while you stole red-handed from him in his apartment with him there, for the last time. The day he made that call to me to tell me the news was the day I fell to the floor and cried. I knew at least you were safe from yourself – I just wanted you safe.
It’s been over 8 months or so since the first time you went in to Salt Lake Metro. What I see today is a different Andrew. I have literally watched a transformation in you in the time that you have been there. I know it is difficult son. My heart aches at times to watch you go through this painful process of not being able to see your family and because I miss you and long to hug you, but I know this is a necessary step for you and your recovery. I know my son has in him the power and the tenacity to beat this ugly addiction. You are very resilient Andrew. You have a very strong mind. I forgive you son for everything that has happened. Bottom line is you have accepted responsibility for what you’ve done and you recognize that you made the choices that you did – that’s the MOST IMPORTANT thing, for you to recognize this. You have accepted the punishment that was given to you. Realize that with coming through this, you can beat anything in life, anything. You are strong and you will do it!!! I’m so grateful that you are in CATS. This is a blessing for you and I want you to recognize that every day that God gives to you is a gift. You can do with it what YOU want. Every day we make choices – to be positive… or negative. Decide every day when you wake up, to be positive and I promise you your experience in CATS will put you on a return path to full recovery. Do the hard stuff now, ok? I love you more than you could possibly ever know. Your self worth is everything in this life. Please regard it as something very sacred. Let no one and no thing ever steal that away from you again. You are holding all the POWER for YOU.
I love you with all of my heart.
Stay the course sweetie.
Forever,
Mom
My Dearest Andrew,
I’m sitting here at my computer at work looking blankly at this page, trying my hardest to be strong so that I can write this letter to you. I am also unsure of where I should start. I guess I go way back to the beginning. I “think” I know where that place and time is.
In the heart of a Mother, I think your pain started when Dad and I announced our divorce to you 4 beautiful, sweet, innocent little kids. I remember the day as though it was today. I remember us sitting upstairs in our master bedroom at Danish Hills Circle, but even more vividly than that, I will never forget looking into the devastated faces of each one of my precious angels. I felt like “I” was stabbing each of my very “own” with a knife right into your little hearts. It was the most horrifically sick feeling. I will never in this life forget that day and that moment.
There was a definite distinction between each of you and your broken hearts and how you took it. I remember Brittany sat just staring in disbelief, then broke into sadness and tears, she was 16. Landon broke down hard crying with his head down on the floor and sobbed and hit the floor over and over, he was 13. My Andrew went over to the wall and hit it repeatedly screaming no, no, no!!! You were 9. Trevor screamed and cried hard because he was so young, he didn’t understand, but he saw all of his brothers and his sister crying, so all he knew is that something really bad had happened to our family, he was just 6. All very tender ages. I felt like the worst Mother on the planet. My babies were my life, and I felt like I had just killed them. It still haunts me to this very day. I tell you this in this letter because I feel that maybe this is where your pain began.
After we sold our home that you kids grew up in, we moved to the Carriage Chase home and I married Ken. What a screw up that marriage was. It was a great house, and we had some fun times, but Ken had ulterior motives, and I think we all felt a bad vibe and undertone in our lives that year. It was during that year, that I recall my boy started to show signs of alcohol and drug abuse. Your grades fell to D’s and F’s, your friends didn’t show much respect to us or our home, you were getting into a lot of fights and had started to have problems with the law… and I felt like I was losing my boy. You were close friends to the Mattson boys, Logan and Levi, and I remember being extremely concerned because Levi was much older than you and he and his friends were coming late at night and taking you “somewhere” and I didn’t know where. You would come home late on a school night and it was obvious we had a drug problem going on at that time. I think you were about 14. I wish now, looking back that I had the resources and the support system around me to get you into a rehab while you were under 18 and your Dad and I still had parental rights over you.
Ken and I finally split in the Spring after a hellish year. I think that was the summer that I got the call that Levi had killed himself in his home in front of his Mom. That was the worst call that we have ever had. I couldn’t believe it… that my son had lost his best friend to suicide. Everything in that moment stopped and everything that could happen to my boy flashed through my mind. You took it extremely hard. You made a memorial for him at his graveside and spent a lot of time there with friends – I think it was healthy for you to mourn him this way. It killed me to watch you hurt so much and I didn’t know how to help you. You needed time and healing. We started counseling – I don’t know if it really helped you or not. We couldn’t get you to talk about it with us much. The counselor wouldn’t even answer our calls to him – privacy laws I guess. We just didn’t know what was going on and felt like we were really in the dark. Things started to get pretty bad after Levi’s death. I remember one weekend when Al and I was visiting Grandma and Grandpa in St. George – I got the call. You had broke into our home with a bunch of friends and partied in the basement and completely trashed it after we had just remodeled it. The cops were called because you were threatening suicide and said you had the gun to do it. Your friends were scared. You were taken by ambulance to UNI – the neuropsychological unit at the University Hospital. You spent about a week there. We hoped and prayed that this would be a big wake up call and be the chance that you would start to open up to us and talk about what was going on in your life. What I found out later, was that you hated us, especially me, despised me for admitting you into UNI. I only thought this would be a good thing – a way to stop you from the self-sabotaging behavior we were watching you go through. While in UNI the counselors determined that I couldn’t manage you and Trevor both by myself as a single mother, working full time and that Dad needed to step in and help more. So you went to live with him after you were released. You relapsed fairly quickly if I remember right – and blamed me for a lot of your problems. I think that drove a wedge between us for awhile. We were both angry and hurt and I felt like you had abused our home and family environment and didn’t really care. I felt so violated and disrespected. I even had worries for my safety at times because of your hostility towards me, and whatever drugs you were using that were altering your state of mind at that time.
Your anger and unresolved issues with the pain you were carrying around escalated into deeper, more dangerous drug abuse. You moved in with your lady friend, Kim for awhile. I think she was about my age, 46. We soon found out you were doing meth in her home with her and other underage kids. She was providing the meth and food for you, in return for baby sitting services for her little girl. This scared us horribly. We should have turned her in, but I remember thinking at the time, she knew enough “bad” people, she probably would have had us “fixed” in some way. Once again, we felt “caught” and didn’t know what move to make. I remember you coming to our home one day with Kim and her little girl so that we could meet her. You also told us that you were looking at a home in our neighborhood and that Kim was thinking about buying it. HOLY $#@*, I thought! That day, you looked so bad sweetie, you were skin and bones with a dark face, dark hollow eyes, sores on your face, and you acted distant to us. Where was my little boy? Where did he go? I felt like part of you had died. You were so mixed up in something that I couldn’t even totally explain to anyone. Then one day Dad got the call to come and get you from her house because you were scared and she was having you place security cameras all over her house for her. Her ex was trying to turn her in and gain custody of their little girl, so she was having everyone watched that came to her house. You were caught up in a messy situation that could have really hurt you. This was agonizing for us to feel so out of control and watch you be in this. I attempted to turn her in but changed my mind after I talked to the police about her because of what might happen to not only you, but the rest of our family.
Over time, we tried to help you with what resources we had. We put you in UNI with the help of Grandpa one more time to detox from heroin use. You didn’t want to go to any outpatient programs once you were released because you felt that you could manage your cravings if you could just be on methadone and Xanax for a short period of time. So we found 2 doctors’ that were willing to give you both, but only a one time deal. You abused both of them from the beginning. I remember coming to Dad’s apartment over my lunch hours to see you and you were a wreck – you needed more. I felt like we were all tangled up in this vicious cycle together. It was a nightmare. You were so overly drugged on Xanax at times, you couldn’t even walk or stand straight. We were now the enablers of another drug problem. We stopped finding ways to help buy you more. You were still seeing Cara and she was a horrible girlfriend to you. She verbally berated you daily and it killed your Dad and I to watch this going on. She is not good for you, nor will she ever be. I know you wanted to please her, to get her approval, so you did a lot of things for her. You started to steal, I mean steal everything you could get your hands on. Most of our DVD collection, my checks that were forged by you and Cara for hundreds of dollars plus all the bank charges it cost me, Landon’s checks that you forged during Christmas time and took every dime he had worked hard for and saved up while working to go to college – something around $1,000. You stole Dad’s painting equipment, his DVD collection, money, checks – everything he had. You stole Al’s vintage gun that his Father gave him before he passed away, you stole my makeup and returned it to stores to get money back you were so desperate, you stole a lot of Trevor’s clothing, his iPod, Gameboy, money out of his wallet and room – all gifts from us. You stole from Grandpa while he was trying to help you pay off court fines. He drove all the way up from Fairview to help you that day and take you to the right courthouse so you could pay your fine off – he thought you were doing better, but you set him up and never paid the fine. My marriage to Al was fairly new, so you can imagine how this spun us. I was trying to help you, to reach out to you, but Al was angry at me for every attempt that I made. Al, also, wasn’t good for me or any of our family members. Brittany & Jaron took you to Dad’s one night after you walked miles and miles to their house, on foot, carrying all your personal belongings after you had been asked to move out of our homes. It was devastating for them to see you this way. They wanted to help you and were willing to help pay for a rehab program for you had you been willing to say “yes, I need help. I’m ready”. But you weren’t ready. It had been several days since we had seen you. I think those were the darkest days of my entire life, worrying about you on the streets. Every time my phone rang my heart fell in fear of what news I may be hearing at that very moment.
So you stayed at Dad’s again – he was willing to take you in, willing to take more risk after all that had been taken from him, and all the stress he was undergoing. I don’t know how he managed it. He soon had to contact the police again to start reporting things that were coming up missing. He even went to some of the pawn shops to buy his paint equipment back, or he would be out of work. Dad even drove you to one of the drug dealers’ homes to pay him off (not knowing this was a set up for him to give you more money) or the drug dealer was going to come back and kill you and possibly your family. This time they knew where you lived. Another drug dealer put a gun to your head upon arriving to his house to pay him his drug money that you “borrowed” from Dad, he withdrew it and emptied the bullet from it and gave it to you to remind you not to $#@& with him ever again, or? Do you know that I still have that bullet? You asked me to keep it for you as a reminder of this time in your life.
I knew the only safe place for you was in jail. I prayed for it. Dad finally blew the whistle on you and called the police while you stole red-handed from him in his apartment with him there, for the last time. The day he made that call to me to tell me the news was the day I fell to the floor and cried. I knew at least you were safe from yourself – I just wanted you safe.
It’s been over 8 months or so since the first time you went in to Salt Lake Metro. What I see today is a different Andrew. I have literally watched a transformation in you in the time that you have been there. I know it is difficult son. My heart aches at times to watch you go through this painful process of not being able to see your family and because I miss you and long to hug you, but I know this is a necessary step for you and your recovery. I know my son has in him the power and the tenacity to beat this ugly addiction. You are very resilient Andrew. You have a very strong mind. I forgive you son for everything that has happened. Bottom line is you have accepted responsibility for what you’ve done and you recognize that you made the choices that you did – that’s the MOST IMPORTANT thing, for you to recognize this. You have accepted the punishment that was given to you. Realize that with coming through this, you can beat anything in life, anything. You are strong and you will do it!!! I’m so grateful that you are in CATS. This is a blessing for you and I want you to recognize that every day that God gives to you is a gift. You can do with it what YOU want. Every day we make choices – to be positive… or negative. Decide every day when you wake up, to be positive and I promise you your experience in CATS will put you on a return path to full recovery. Do the hard stuff now, ok? I love you more than you could possibly ever know. Your self worth is everything in this life. Please regard it as something very sacred. Let no one and no thing ever steal that away from you again. You are holding all the POWER for YOU.
I love you with all of my heart.
Stay the course sweetie.
Forever,
Mom
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
American Idol's Final 9... David you've got to win this!
My pics are... #1, David Archuleta... #2, David Cook... #3, Michael Johns... #4, Brooke White Mama.. it was so fun wathcing A.I. and eating sushi with you last night! I just love ya!
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